My last solo ensemble in high school...

Today was my last solo ensemble in high school (senior) and..yeah :(

I brought my violin home everyday the whole week practicing 3 hours right after school just to finalize it, especially the ending. The song is La Folia by the way. I find the ending hard because I never really played a song with two notes while playing at a fast speed :( The day before the solo, I felt confident because I played it through strong...but then the next day came.......

I was sudden nervous!!! I'm usually okay when on stage, performing something, or making a speech because I done it all my life, but I was just more nervous than usual.

Playing the first page wasn't too bad. My right hand was shaking though making my bow bounce here and there >____> ugh. Then the second page came where I played the first fast part, my fingers started to get finger twisted out of nervousness! WHYYYYYY. I shook the thought of messing up away and just tried to keep moving forward in the piece. After that when i reached the slower parts, I tried to make myself feel the music more so that it can flow better and to shake off the nervousness. I think I did well from there until the end................

After the crazy double chords, I started to feel discouraged...I honestly teared up a wee bit because i felt I did so bad on them. Then I just STOPPED PLAYING!!!!!!!!!! I don't know whyyy I didn't keep going. I was just sooo discouraged. Then my student teacher from orchestra told me from behind "keep going! Just go!" then the judge was like "are you going to finish?" and I was like...omg what am I doing?!?!?! GAHH! Then I just played the last part through. I put all my frustration on the ending since it was supposed to be dramatic anyway and the judge applaud saying I did well.

Of course, he said the things I want to hear. Maybe I didn't do too bad overall, but the fact that I know I did really good during practice and messing up more than I should during the actual real deal was just unacceptable for me. But what can I do. It's over so I might as well swallow that fact.

I did, however, earned a first place on the solo. I didn't get to go to the next round which is state, which is disappointing because I could've should've would've. I feel the judge only gave me a first place to make me feel better? I HOPE not. I'd give myself a second place honestly. BUT it's okay. It's okay. It's over...

SOOOo yeah.......I'm really hard on myself obviously haha But at least now I know what i need to work on. Playing in front of people I haven't done in a while so I'm going to have to drag people over to listen to me ahahaha.

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