How I conquered DEPRESSION AND NEGATIVITY.
In this post, I'm going to express personal opinions and personal ways of how I myself have overcome my depression. I have not been diagnosed and I am not a professional in any way regarding treating this disorder. Understand that there are many different ways people express or feel when it comes to depression as a disorder as well as what they do to treat it. This is my story and how I have overcame this and I wish to inspire those going through it by sharing my story.
First off, what is depression? Depression as we all know is extreme sadness. Everyone has had this at least once in their life. Depression can be a normal thing and it happens when situations that is unpleasant happens to us. However what I'm discussing here today is depression as a disorder. It becomes a disorder when you find yourself to feel unpleasant more often than you should with or without a "real" reason.
It seems from my personal life and readings that depression usually makes a person feel irrelevant, unloved, and without purpose. For some it may be true and for some not so much. A person could have the world and could still feel depressed. Strange, isn't it? That very reason is why it sucks balls.
I know some friends and have read personal bloggers who shared their thoughts on their journey of depression and most have claimed to remember having depression for as long as they could remember; myself included. My mind has always wandered into places where it shouldn't and when family problems arose when I was young, it definitely didn't help. Already a sensitive soul, the impact of my family breaking apart caused my philosophy of life and my very being to diminish from anything positive.
I did not know what it meant to be depressed. I did not know the word at all then. I also did not know that it was not normal. I did though, thought that it was just a phase and that everyone probably felt the same way. I wasn't a loud child either. I kept to myself but I was friendly and easy to talk to when I had to. I suppose I was "chill", that would be the word lol I did not like talking about my feelings because I felt no one had an interest and growing up, I learned that I could get annoyed with someone like myself so I ignored that part of me and how I felt about it. I just let it happen when it wanted to when I was alone.
I did not have anyone to talk to about my depression. I knew something was wrong and that I didn't like it, but at the same time when I knew what depression was, I just thought that everyone gets sad too. But when I was questioned by my mom why I was sad, there was no recent reason why I was. Some parents may feel that it's a serious thing and their child should get treated, and some may not. My mom did not think it was anything serious and I never blamed her for not understanding. It was definitely hard when you wished you could talk to someone like your mother about it, but it never helped when it just ends up into arguments and misunderstandings. She just wanted to believe that her child was normal and that it was just a phase when it was actually a struggle.
Despite my depression, I've always been a person with will power and self empowerment. I blame myself for faulty actions and trained myself to never fail myself and my morals. My punishment from failing myself is emotionally yelling at myself basically telling myself that I'm not good enough and at its worst, self infliction and even suicidal attempts. If you watched Lord of The Rings and know the character Gollum, the creature who basically have two sides, good and a bad side, He would argue and fight himself to be good or bad. To do this or to do that. That literally happens to me and I would sometimes catch myself talking and doing things to myself when I'm alone. It's pretty ridiculous.
So I was always alone on this for the most part. Hardly anyone really knew, haha probably until this very post! As I reached high school, I was experimenting with my emotions and started to read more about depression. I finally learned that depression can be a disorder and you could actually see a doctor for it. It was weird to me at first, to see a doctor for emotional issues? That was silly. I never took the initiative to tell my doctor because I was too prideful. Like I said before, I also have the need to use my will power but more importantly, I didn't want to feel different. I wanted to be normal. I wanted people to treat me normal and they probably wouldn't if I was labeled with a "disorder". I want them to hate me if they really do, not pretend to be nice. Yes I have depression and most times I felt unloved like no one cared, but I also despise the idea of people being fake around me so much more than if they actually hate me. So I had to choose.
Each time that I learned more about depression and ACCEPTING that I have it, I began to really LEARN more about myself. What I wanted from others, from myself and who I wanted to be. Acceptance allowed me to open up my soul for myself. To become open and honest with the most important person on earth, ME. By accepting I made a promise to be truthful to myself so I can figure this shit out for good! Accepting yourself is so important. It is what allows any progress to happen. You basically allow yourself to fight it when you accept it. You can FEEL the difference between being happy VERSUS extremely depressed compared to back when all you ever knew was literally depression itself. That evil bitch.
As I continued reading more about depression from what doctors recommended and also personal bloggers, I put their methods into habits and ways that could possibly help me. We are all different so not one way will help everyone. I started off with working out. It was going well until it started going into the wrong direction. Freshmen year of high school when I discovered all this I too quickly fell into what could have become anorexia. I would wake up at five in the morning to do intense workouts for about an hour and wait around until I had to go to the bus for school. I'd skip out on breakfast and go for fruit snacks because it didn't make me feel "heavy". Little did I know that those little stinker snacks had nothing but bad carbs and sugar!! I was known to always get my fruits snacks, enough that the manager in the kitchen always expected me to grab a handful each morning as I checked out lol For lunch I would surpress my appetite by going to the school library to avoid smelling or seeing food. So crazy everytime I think about it! When I would go back to where I stayed, I'd eat very little and quickly head for the room I was blessed to stay in for the time being while my mom was figuring things out for our little family. That went on for that entire year and I survived surprisingly lol
My eating habits got better sophmore and junior year when I started to read more on nutrients and healthy lifestyles with work outs. I was also dating my ex during those times and having company helped with my depression. Unfortunately, it was difficult when I had my moments and I always felt ashamed that I couldn't resist and hide it from him. It was the first time I had to explain what and why it happens at random times....to someone I cared for in hopes that it won't change how they felt about me other than my mother who loves me unconditionally whether she believes me or not. I hope that it was never a burden, but it was definitely not the reason why we separated after 3 years.
Towards the end of senior year was when I found LOVE for myself. I then knew the difference between happiness and depression. I knew what would truly trigger it and ways that could help level it when necessary.
I must clear this: however happy that I could be til this day, it's an odd feeling of happiness. Sometimes it's as if depression is just hiding in the shadows by the curtains watching me smile. I'm always aware that it's there and I feel its sorrows as my happiness shines above it, I just try not to turn and look. Depression, to me in my life, is never simply cured or disappears, it will always be the raging water underneath my blue skies waiting for me to fall. Many doctors have said the same about it. No pill or treatmeant can cure it completely they say, so far. Which is why it's so important that you know more about it if you have it and why I wish so much to share this and reach out because you CAN reduce it from my experience and many other great stories from others.
More damage happened shortly after high school right after I discovered love for myself unfortunately, and this time it's my confidence in my beauty overall. It was so utterly painful that everything that I built for myself restored and I was lost again into a realm that I was VERY familiar with, extreme depression. I didn't feel like I had a place to call home. People to love or receive love from anymore. I lost who I was again. The only place I knew, was DEPRESSION. I let myself drown in it because I knew so much about it that that very thing became my home. I felt safe because I had so much hate for what happened to me that depression and all of its negativity whispered to me that it understood me and my pain and sorrow. At times when alone I could feel it wrap around me cold and dark, but it would be so similiar that I would rather stick around than trust anyone else.
I eventually conquered that problem by directly confronting the issue when I realized how much I didn't deserve to feel the way I did especially all the hard work I did to get out of the hole. I REALIZED THIS BECAUSE AGAIN, I KNEW WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO LOVE MYSELF WHEN I LEARNED WHAT IT FELT LIKE AND IT FELT GOOD. WHY WOULD I WANT TO FEEL LIKE SHIT AGAIN? They say once you've seen good you won't want to go back, it's definitely true in my case.
Another thing I have accepted is that I will always have it. Depression. It helps to know that it can't be cured because as unfortunate as it is, you will find ways to tackle it which is better than nothing.
There are some people who would say carelessly "well if you want die then die", or "well if you're stupid enough to think stuff like that then just die." Easy enough, I'd say the same myself with this will power, you're your own empowerment mind of mines, but sadly, we truly don't know what someone is really going through. We have enemies in real life among each other as human beings, so I believe it is definitely possible to have an enemy within yourself.
Today, I found that my personal "belief" lies within spirituality after EXPLORING my options. I meditate, workout, watch my eating habits, and do what I LOVE. I read about spirituality and follow people with good spirits and energy because it connects and enriches me. My goal has grown to become a better person by being kind, forgiving, and helpful. It became a habit to appreciate small things and be GRATEFUL rather than the other way around. Traveling has been a great aid in my journey. It made me see how much bigger the world is than my small dark cluttered world. I always recommend and encourage traveling among my friends because it truly enriches the soul! The mind shouldnt be alone all the time because like the world, dark things can creep up even in the mind. Always be on the move and explore far from it! This is why religion is no argument for me. If that belief saved you, go for it and believe it. We believe in what we do because it saved us in ways different from others. We let ourselves to devote ourselves to it whether we have the facts or if it's simply because we have faith. We are only human and we naturally will seek some sort of hope to hang on to and it could literally be anything. It's very personal and never let anyone take that from you or make you feel sorry. As long as you are not harming anyone including yourself.
My boyfriend Cody loved and supported me through this ever since he learned about it. He showed me that he loved every aspect of me and has pulled me out multiple times from harm. I would not have been able to learn so much more about myself and go through other hardships without his gentle care. He's done nothing but proved to me that he truly wants to be with me through it all. It helps when you find someone that you can turn to for HELP. Seeking help from the right people can help you with your journey tremendously.
Here is a summary for this post about how to conquer depression:
ACCEPTANCE - by accepting that you have depression, you will open the door to learning how to love all of who you are including depression itself for it is who you are and what you must learn to accept if you want to love yourself. It will motivate you to know more about it and yourself.
EDUCATE - educating yourself about depression and experimenting with it to learn who YOU are. Sometimes we will get lost because depression makes us feel like we aren't worth it, but like any war with an enemy, the more you learn about them, the easier it'll be to conquer.
LOVE - love and forgive yourself! After all the bullshit, it's about time to love yourself. You have now accepted what you have, you have learned who you are and what you have. There isn't just darkness on the field anymore, there is also light you are now familiar with!
EXPLORE - you have put the the past away for good and have forgiven yourself. Whats next is to embrace the future and discover ways to keep your sanity. Whether it be a new hobby, new friends, traveling, or helping others. It's your new life and you have become especially wise from feeling so much pain to finally allowing yourself to see the light. Make it worth while.
I hope this post was helpful and that you learned something whether you are a victim of depression or simply someone who came across this post for whatever reason. Again, this is my experience and what I have been through with it til this day. I definitely don't want anyone to risk their lives over this because you matter so much more than you think. Also don't listen to uneducated idiots that tell you your life is unimportant because you feel this way. I feel for those going through this confused, lost, and alone. Understand that you are not. Allow the light to shine in and remember how it feels when it happens because I promise that you will want to go back to it when the darkness comes.
With so much love,